Love, Amplified

I'll admit it: as an oldest-child-mom-of-one, I was (a bit) worried about adding another baby to our family.

My husband, a middle child, gently teased, "Um, Megan? Life didn't end for my brother when I was born."

My sister, also a middle child, openly laughed: "Seriously, Megan? Would you prefer I wasn't here?"

My mom, yet another middle child, just smiled and patted me, offering, "A mom's heart is full of love for all of her kids. You'll see."

My head swirling with their words, I turned my anxiety inward, my heart twisting a little each time Claire sat on my lap, back pressed against my pregnant belly, her little sister tap dancing in utero. We had a cozy little world, the three of us and the dog. While I was thrilled to be pregnant with our second, I couldn't help but wonder what this new addition would bring.

Perhaps this is a worry shared by other moms, an unspoken one because there aren't really the "right" words to express the feeling. It's not that I wasn't excited to meet my youngest daughter or that I was worried I wouldn't love her as I did Claire. I think it was more of the unknown of it all...how would Claire feel? How would I share my time? Could I be the mom to our youngest that I had been to our oldest? What would happen to our marriage? At my most vulnerable, I even panicked about the dog. How would he react to another one? Would he ever have any attention? If I couldn't imagine adding another dog to our family, how was I going to add another child?

In the middle of the night, after yet another trip to the bathroom, I would pause in the doorway of the nursery, watching Claire breathe. She was my baby. What would another baby be like?

The moment Jenna was born, my heart exploded. The entire birth experience was a special one, maybe because we weren't so overwhelmed by what to expect. Jeff is a fantastic partner and there is something so intimate (even in such a institutional setting) about the world contained in that hospital room. When the nurses put her in my arms and I saw her face for the first time, everything my mom had said became clear. Jenna was meant to be ours.

Jeff and I tell first time expectant parents that the minute you meet your child, you love each other more than the day you got married. For as much joy, anticipation and celebration there is in "I do," there is ten times that in the welcoming of Baby. For us, welcoming Baby #2 intensified that feeling even more.

Holding Jenna, I was overcome with relief and wonder. My heart could hold both of my girls - and their dad. My world, my family, had grown in love.

When Claire burst into the room to meet her sister for the first time, her big eyes eager to see what all of the fuss was about, I knew that we had also given Claire a gift. She, like her mom, would have the chance to be a big sister. And there's nothing greater than that.

This morning, as we had breakfast together on the couch, Jenna on one knee and Claire on the other, Rocky snoring at my feet, I smiled at the fullness of my lap and my heart.

Adding to our family didn't divide my love, as I had quietly feared. It amplified it.

I am humbled and grateful for that gift.